Possibilities????

                                                                                                              6-6-11
Yeah it has been awhile,but so much crazy has been going on.
My  to visit from the 9th of may until this saturday june 11th.My father is having me help him do this bankrupcy thing .My bro has turned into a full blown tree hugging stoner.I almost collapsed from not being able to breathe.I went to the ww2 show and got sun poisoning for the second year in a row,and I'm still pissed off about the fact that I missed out on so much because my mother was to busy nurturing my sister and brothers talents to help me get the backing I needed...and they threw it all away.On the up side....I met someone I really like.

                                                                                                                    6-11-11
I totally could not get near this damn computer to finish my post from above.My mom left today...and took my make up with her ....again.
How come she can not just say something like "I like these shades,where can I get them?" or "if you could pick me up one that would be great".
Blood is blood.I understand,and she knows I feel strongly about ity and would totally hook her up...so why the stealing?
Oh well, wont be able to replace it until thursday when I have a few dollars.I'm counting out pennies now and do not even have a dollar.

Back to my previos writing.I still love "Al" very dearly.He is very special to me,and I did not go out looking for a person to fill the void he left when my love scared this Virgo man away (look uptraits of Virgo men and see what being all mushy and loving does to them...the run!)

I was food shopping not to long ago and when I went to pick up some cold cuts it happened.This sweet smiling face looked at me.I did not understand the pull I felt between him and myself.I do not know if he also felt it.He made me think of "Al" except warm and caring,not rigid and professional.I flirted without even thinking,I felt a instant attraction.I never make the first move...I never make any move...but I left my name and facebook for him at the curtisy desk....I was so terrified I was going to scare someone else away.....BUT HE FRIENDED ME ON FACEBOOK!!! Could I actually have a chance to have a awesome friend that might eventually be more then just that? I think I am so behind on this dating thing but I want to really care about the person.I dont know what to do...I'm used to pain,now the happiness is like a child discovering something they had never seen before.....This is what I will focus on not the other crap.-Later

What is my signifigance?

I have been trying to understand the reason for my existance. I mean we all want to know our personal reason for being. I have tryed to explain this to countless people but they are either so wrapped up in their self or just dont give a damn.The best way I have ever heard this internal struggle described was actually in a movie I just saw about an hour ago. It is 2:52 am and I can not sleep. I have been intensly trying to find my meaning. It keeps me up until dawn and makes me exausted in the daylight hours.I know other people must struggle with the eternal question,but it is making me not just re-think choices but dwell on every little thing. My search for life has taken away any life I might have currently had. I suppose it is because so many things are coming to a head that this has taken priority.
The stress of having to single handedly do the divorce papers for my parents is quite overwhelming for me.  always had a difficult time when it came down to saying no to my family.This is so very hard for me because it was all dropped into my lap. My mother calls me constantly about it. I get scared if I pick the wrong one online that she could be cheated...what if its like a con or some way not legit?
Why would she dump this in the hands of a learning disabled person with such high anxiety? I have dizzy spells and black outs. Maybe because I just never say no.
I am available to do what they wont so why not? I do not dispute them,why am I still at the age of 30 seeking approval and praise from my parents?
I guess I can sum it up by saying I never felt like I ever got any growing up. I dont want to say my parents were bad,they had alot of their own stuff going on. I just wish I got a little of the good stuff my eldest sister and little brother got. The backing and help to reach for their goals and dreams. My other sister never got any praise or encouragement, I dont even know if she ever had any interests. If she did she kept it quiet. She must have realized that it was a waste to even try to ask for anything to urge her to a dream. My eldest sister was the artist and my mother was always spoiling her with whatever she desired, and allowing her to do clubs and enter shows to perfect it. My little brother got a guitar before he was even 7. He was given every oppertunity to do something with his talent. I look back and get a bit pissed seeing that they both threw it all away. I wonder what would have happened if my other sister and I had gotten that backing.
I was pushed into art/drawing because I might be another "nellie" even though I knew I could not be. I wanted to perform since I was 3. I loved it. I was never encouraged, no clubs no chance to expand.
I remember when I was 16 or so.There was a school for performing arts and at a really good price.. I was so excited. I mentioned it to my mom. I could tell she did not believe in me. So I was thrilled when we stopped there one night. I was so foolish....the thing I thought she was going todoforme turned out to be for my brother.She had found out that they had a music prodigy program...she was checking it out for him. I wanted to cry and disapear but if I showed any sign of weakness it would make it worse.
None of us kids talk to each other now that we are grown.We all have our own personal anger toward our past, and being pitted against each other.We did it to survive. As I once wrote before it was like a jungle. To survive we could not think about how the other would feel, we were just buying a extra second of peace for ourselves.We all grew up to be very different people. You would not even know we were related if not told so. Our personalities clash so much,it is for the best that we live our lives as only children.
My oldest sister was prepped to become a art teacher but threw it away to do tattoos. My mother even had to make a deal with the principal to get her to graduate. She was a bad student who cared more about getting high and cutting class. She expected everything to be handed to her,after all she had always had it that way. I like to call her a poor man's princess.We barely could get by but she always seemed to get everything she wanted. She still throws it in my face that she has a high school diploma and I have a ged. She did not even earn it! At least I earned mine...but we do not see eye to eye. She thinks she had it hard growing up. PLEASE!
I can not stand her.
My forgotten sister struggled through some real shit. Although we do not see eye to eye (we have very different outlooks on things) I understand any grudge she may hold to a point,after all she was attacked alot for no reason.She became a cop,good for her.
My little brother also like my eldest sister thinks he got a raw deal.That child was pampered and got everything even if it ment no food in the house. I lost my apartment trying to help pay for expenses and debts he caused. He was allowed to beat me for 17 years without any consequences. He lived a charmed life! To this day "mr. Music"still expects everyone to give him whatever he wants. He turns my stomach. He feels (no joke he told me this totally serious ) that the world owes him and every cent is his. He calls me constantly and yells at me for cash. I could not send him any if I wanted to.Why does he not use all that talent? The kid thinks he is to good to have a job. He refuses to work.He also dropped out of school to run off with his secret girlfriend....12 years his senior whom he had been dating since he was 11! Can we say mary kay letourneau ?
And then there is me. I have no wonderful position in life. I worked my ass off at jobs people turn their nose up to. I never got any help for my emotional and mental differences growing up so a nervous breakdown was a long time coming.I am on disability, see a shrink every week and I'm on meds (which I get so overwhelmed be family drama I sometimes can not recall if I have taken).

This all brings me back to the origional reason for this post.Would my existance matter? Would it really impact the world of my demis? What is the point and am I leaving a mark...something to be remembered by an impact on life?
The movie I was talking about was  "about schmidt".
Most known for a awful Kathy Bates hot tub scene.The true point behind the movie is much over looked. I mean its not my favorite but the end of the movie really sums up my current state of mind. here  is the clip.starting at 1:26 is the letter (or speech of my life)

http://youtu.be/W-zEwGZ56Bs

Up until the moment when he sees that painting it feels like he is me and I am him. I just wish I could have a moment like that...the moment that you know for sure you mattered, that you changed or helped someone's life for the better. My moment of being the person in the painting that the painter was greateful for...that my life mattered.Will I have a Ndugu moment or just waste away. Remembered as nothing because my existance was a blink of a the eye and given as much thought as one.

It's 3:57 am...

What was I saying????

Anyone else besides me think it seems wayyyyyyyyyyy to convenient that right when Obama's approval ratings are at a record low and all this re- election shit is going on....we just happen to cap bin Laden? Twitter wont let me post anything I just said,they keep telling me their is a problem.I can post other stuff.Soooo are we doing martial law yet or what?

I smell a rat.

Speaking of diseased and discusting mammals,on a personal topic.....
That evil bitch my former pal is with and he are on vacay together.I know it sounds creepy but I had the feeling on Saturday like a emptiness.I can feel when he is not in the county or the country for that matter.He seems like the sort of dude who relies on the "if I can not see it or touch it it is not real" frame of mind.That is the 1 thing that pisses me off about him.I am very much opposite.I seek more then I see.I am guided and live by feelings and pulls in emotional and spiritual things.He thinks ghosts are not real, I have had REAL experiences on that topic so I know for myself the reality.If I ever told him he would not believe it.Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr he can be such a ass!

but I still love him.
It is true though.Alot of people are just lying about stuff like that.It makes the people with real experiences look like liars to.
I guess you really have to have a personal experience to know for true that no one is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.
The paranormal helps me believe in hope and love.To be able to gain a attachment to someone where you are open enough to feel their pain and love their soul not their actions.It goes beyond the idea of empathy and more in to the relm of actual spirit connection.I believe that we keep coming back until God feels we have gathered all of the experience and point of life.Until we are learn to not only trust him but have experienced things only certain things in multiple lifes can teach us.To get all the fullness,good and bad.After all,what we may see as humans as bad,God does not always agree.His reasons,thoughts and judgement are beyond all ability that the mind can comprehend.
I think our immediate circle of people in life have always been there.I believe that they can get closer to us as we re live life.Someone who was once your neighbor can end up a friend,a cousin,a sibling a parent,and end up a spouse.It goes the other way to.Someone who started out as close can eventually be weened out of your lives,getting further away.The way you know you are getting closer is that spiritual connection.Also the fact that you can just meet but feel as though you have known the person always.I think I am getting closer to him,I just hope I dont have to come around again to get to be with him.It would suck to be like 1 life away from it.I dont have all the answers.I have a unusual type of blended faith.I believe things we as a culture see as wicked (like tarot reading,ghosts,psychics) if approach and practiced in the right spirit (frame of mind body and soul with no wicked feelings behind it,asking for God's guidance) is one of the many spirits of God that makes him a whole.The bible teaches us that God is many spirits (he is a God of war,love etc.)
I call my beliefs being a christian spiritualist.I have the christianity of a born again christian,some wiccan beliefs and some Native American beliefs all wrapped into one.I have explored many religions and even atheistic beliefs,searching for the right one for me.The three I have listed have the most impact for me personally.I do not judge others as wrong or right even If I feel they are.I am not created to judge others,only God can judge us and I don't want to piss him off.:)

We judge ourselves enough.I dont want5 to make enemies,I just want to live my life to his approval and to love and respect him always.Jesus is my Lord and Savior but some christians only focus on the love part of God.This is were we ask why he allows bad things to happen.We need to study ALL of God.I suggest the war part because in war we do things that we would not always do in life if we were not put up against the wall.Okay I have soooo gotten off topic.

I just wanted to express some stuff bottled up inside.To any readers,I want it to be known I DO NOT PUSH MY WAYS UPON YOU, TELLING U BELIEVE LIKE ME OR YOU ARE WRONG.

People who see my book collection are so confussed.I have Christian books,tarot  and wiccan books,Supernatural study books, and just about anything about astrology you are curious of.

I am gonna go walk my poochie.

I will leave you with this: live life knowing their is more,and that you are more.

blog ya later!

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You've Got A Friend - Carole King

just feeling a little like I wish my former buddy was around again,and wishing we could be friends still...I will wait for him After all he will always have my heart...

Yikes !!! time is running out!!!

Hey y'all.It has been sometime since posting but I have had massive stress on my plate.I have to be in a new apartment by june first and finding one seems impossible.It is either to pricey (the reason I need to move in the first place) does not allow pets or has a waiting list that spans up to 6 freakin months!!!

So terrified,and can not get ahold of anyone that is supposed to help me.
My old case manager would have had me ready by now,because we were solid when it came to things that made me freak out.It really is not the new case managers fault it is the housing people.They are supposed to help me and do not even answer my calls.Times like this I wish I could just hear the calming reasonable voice of my fareweather friend.He was a peach when it came to my emotional hurdles.I better continue my search,I am soooooooooooooooo hyperventalating!

Reflection

Hey y'all.Not much to update on.Still stressing about finding a apartment.
My heart is still raw and I'm feeling numb.

I miss my friend.
I have accepted that I may never be happy.That I may just be unlovable.
It hurts so bad that it sorta blends into each crevis of my life,becoming a infinate blur a constant soupy fog of normality.The love and the pain have become a part of me like a new layer of flesh.
Trippy!
Even the everyday things I have to deal with do not distract me from my true core of existance.
My foundation for the life house is cracked.
He will always be my heart,and I can not seem to shake him.I guess this old "gorilla" just can't catch a break.
I was born to a life of failure,rejection,pain,and to love without limits but never be loved in return.

Better go,Got some cleaning to attend to.Hopefully the next post will not be such a downer.Blog ya later.xoxo

no matter what I do I am haunted by my love for him

Okay lots of stuff has been going on so I have not had time to post.Yesterday (march 9th 2011) I went up to Albany to a Rally for Mental health.I was invited by the MHA peer bridger to speak with the assemblymen and senetor people on behalf of funding Mental Health stuff.I got up super early,got a cab to MHA and boarded the bus at around 7 am.I get super barfy on buses,that is why I have not been on one for years....I do not think I will go on one anytime soon either.It took all day today to recoup from it.Anyway,I sort of half heartedly expected my friend to be there....the one that I have discussed so much it's sort of like he is the air I breathe.I did not see him get on the bus...I was in the wayyyyyyyyyy back.Then as we were driving (OMG the bus was freakin' packed!) we were signing a paper so none of us were left behind when I saw in the most perfect handwriting (I have known him to be pretty sloppy when writing) his name.I scanned to see if that she-beast was on the list...nope no she-beast.I felt so totally like I was backin high school a boy I liked would not notice me sort of thing.Then I came down from that kid like feeling.
Why would she not come?If anything you think she would show up to support her man's cause,I would.
It just proves my point of her not not being real.Dude,it's your job to speak for those who cant....and you use it as a day off?
Bitch.
I saw him signing in when we were going to that orientation.I made sure to say hi.I didn't want him to know that not seeing him for over a month was killing me inside.That seeing him calmed my nerves.That barfy feeling went away.I tryed to act cool,but I know I was so happy tosee himI came off well....off.He bwas all dressed up,looking like a little lawyer.I noticed he was hanging around a certain person alot...funny she was my case manager like 5 or 6 years ago! If they did not have significant others I would say they were together...I could feel his attraction to her.It was kinda creepy that I could but I saw it.I was on line to sign up for meeting with the assembly dude when I smelled a farmiliar smell.The sweet clean scent that had been my comfort for a year.I turned to see him next to me.He was also signing up.Just having him stand next to me was a total feeling of like when you had been holding your breathe for a long time and then just let it out.

I wished he would sit near me or talk to me while we were marching or even at the rally.People were standing up and saying why mental health mattered to them.I saw no one who I was on the bus with saying anything...I felt like I had to.I had all the words perfect in my head...but they came out like a foreign language when I actually spoke.Before I spoke I kept glancing across the way at him.It felt like he wanted to be as far from me as possible.He was hanging with some tall dude wearing sunglasses,very official looking.I noticed he did not seem to even look at me....I must have not noticed but he saw me.He said later that he saw me inching or creeping closer to the mic.He was looking at me!!!!!
As I was speaking I looked out and saw him.He had a weird look on his face,I never saw it before.It was discust and confusion like...but apparently I did not and may not ever know what it was exactly.When he got on the bus he had to pass me...my head was saying sit next to me! I wanted to turn around and ask him to come sit in the seat across from me...but I was to chicken.He made sure to tell me I did a good job and he was proud of me.It felt forced...but it could be because I was looking at him differently.I still care about him so deeply and love him so much....but was seeing him as someone who would be drifting out of my life yet again and not knowing how long it would be before if ever I got to see him.I made sure to fidget with my phone when I got off the bus...just to catch him coming off.I asked if I could talk to him for a min.He was probrobly dreding that.I told him I missed him,and that we should catch up or something.I poked a bit of fun at his clothes to lighten the tension.I actually thought he looked very handsome...but don't tell him I thought so.
Then I watched him walk away....again.
It felt like this would be what a personal hell would be like for me.Watching the man I loved and would give anything to be with walk away fromme over and over.Feeling the distance between us growing as my heart was breaking.
On a up side,the rally was cooland the people were super nice.

I hope he sees what a untolerable self loving bitchy whore that chick is......For about 5 months I have been having awful dreams.They are just like the ones when Iknew before bit happened who he was dating,gwetting engaged to and leaving me to go for a different job.I have been dreaming that that bitch is pregnant.It happens before any marriage happens....I hope it is just my own paranoia.
It disgusts me to think of him with her let qalone anything else.I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT.maybe if Iam thin he will thinktwice and realize that no one could ever love him as mucfh as I doand always will.A big staement nbut I know that if neede I would give up my life for him...I would go to the ends of the earth for him...I dont think thatbitch feels as deeply for himas I do.She was not even backing himon this trip!
It gets me so angry.He desrves to be loved and shown that love and support always....God I loathe her!
I guess it was best she did not come.I would not have been able to not rip her fucking face off and shove it up her ass!

Okay time to chil out.Gonna make some tea and watch a new Archer....Blog ya later.

Story of Clyde





 I have been missing my little dog Clyde a lot lately.Yes, I have my sweet Benny now but I feel like Things were unfinished with Clyde.I remember having to leave him with my parents because I was homeless.My sister let me sleep on her couch and would not allow dogs.I could not stay at my parents house because my brother would beat me and fights would arise.My family had always tried to seperate me from my dog.I worked very hard and many hours to get him.He was ill and almost died the first night I had him.I think that is why we had such a strong bond.I stayed up through the night caring for him.I had someone who made me feel loved.He loved me back and always knew when I needed him,even before I knew.After about 3 years of having him I had a complete nervous,and emotional breakdown.I was unable to work and had to leave my job.I was also unable to pay my rent and was forced to take the last of my money and by a plane ticket.I went to stay with my eldest sister down in Florida.Because Clyde was a purebred my parents and brother told me to sell him.If I did that would not be enough money to live,And he was my only companion.I never felt any bond with my family,and my brother was angry that Clyde made me happy.He always tryed to hurt him I would cover his tiny body with my own to stop the blows.Sometimes when my brother was beating me Clyde would try to protect me putting his body in front of me.I hated being afraid of what might happen each second.They lived in the same apartment complex as us so I could not get away from that brat of a brother..I had my Clyde the clothes on my back and a small gym type bag with the only things I could take.I left a lot of important things behind but I was happy to have my little friend with me.Florida turned out to be a bad idea.I ended up getting a slummy apartment where I could hear the neighbors beating each other and drug dealing outside my bedroom window.I could hear them leaning next to the window glass,I even heard some shots outside my window.After my breakdown I was all nerves and everything was freaking me out.The police would not come when called,they said that it was normal for the area.They never once checked up on it.All of my disability was paying my rent and electric.I barely had 60 dollars to spred through the month to feed Clyde and myself.I went hungry sometimes for weeks and would go up to the gas mart up the street with what little I had and buy things like spam and vienna sausages just to feed my dog.On the way back I would stop at the subway and use there bathroom to get us tolit paper.That is how I lived for 6 months.





  During this time my mother would call me and tell me about all the wonderful things in ny that she could help me get set up with(mental health services,housing,etc.) After a time It sounded really good.She said I could stay with a friend of the family for the couple of months while it all happened.I knew what I was living was no life.I did not pay my last months rent and insted used it to by a ticket to ny.I really thought things would be better.My sister had been threatining to put me in a institution and have Clyde taken from me.She did not like that I was not at her beck and call for babysitting her 2 rowdy kids.I struck up a friendship of convenience with a woman around the area and got a ride to the airport.When I  finally arrived in ny after flight issues my mom informed me she had never asked the friend to have me stay.I had no where to sleep that night.I eventually ended up going back and forth between sleeping on my parents concrete floor with no more then a flat old pillow and a throw blanket,and sleeping on my sisters couch.To make a long story short I was homeless for 2-3 years.Yes I would have a roof over my head but that was it.All of my disability would go for food and paying my sister to sleep on her couch.I would talk to Clyde in those last days of being with him,promising we would get a place and have a fresh start.I never knew he would not be there when I did.I remember the first night in my apartment.It was supposed to be him and me together,I failed him.

Then I met Benny..... (to be continued)

 

 









VALENTINE"S DAY.....HOW I HATE THEE!!!

I will admit,yeah I'm a slacker when it comes to posting lately.It's just that nothing aside from the normal shit has been happining.I mean everything is still dull.Sucky weather,broken heart,parents making me stressed,money is way beyond tight and prepping for my move.All topics I think I covered already.

Tommorow being Valentines day does not help.The guy I wanted to be my Valentine for every day is still not.It makes me angry,because I really thought this year would be the year I would get to celebrate and not cele-hate Vday.

Another year and still a bitter old hag.I've heard of low points in peoples love life but damn! When the hell will my scale tip from sucky to un-sucky?

It rips my heart out knowing he will be spending this day with that critter.It kills me everytime I think about him with her.I wonder if he would care if he knew that each second I die a little more as she gets a second of life from me.

Crazy,right? I have always been a pretty emotional person.Then to stop feeling everyone elses pain I somehow shut myself down.Now I am emotionally vulnerable again,and wish being human did not hurt so much.

Nothing but the finest s**t on the menu,at the cafe' of life....

A few days have passed and I am still in this funk.
I miss my friend.

I have a lot on my plate at the moment and wish he was not one of the items.I am looking for a cheaper apartment but it has to allow small dogs. (well to be honest even though Benny is a small breed he is a pudge muffin ).My lease will be up soon so I am freaking.I am supposed to have help so I dont freak so much but this case manager I've been thrown to does not seem very professional.I also have been forgetting to take my meds,I can not remember how many days it has been.I am dealing with being the go between person still for my parents...can you say TOTALLY NOT MY PLACE ?!
I can always count on my family for added stress.I have a certain amount of time to get a ID so I can cash and return some money to case management for a class I was supposed to take but it got cancelled,the weather sucks,I'm short on money (again) this month and dont want to have to go through the whole not eating for 2 weeks again thing,More parent stress with my mom calling me up to 5x a day for advice and just about anything,I have a dude who is trying to get ahold of me that I am not attracted to who just wants sex,another on facebook who wants to "spend time" with me and leaves me little messages each day,and all I can think about is my friend.Yep, that was a crazy ass run on sentence.
I am not attracted to the dudes who like me.My biological clock is ticking and things are starting to not be as...um I guess you could say placed as they once were.All in all I feel OLD,like my time has passed by.I am still waiting for my first kiss (the 3x I was kissed was forced and NOT consentual ).
It made me feel dirty,and I will always feel it was my fault.Any physical contact was not approved,I just thank god it did not get to far.
Lets leave this topic,it turns my stomach.
Anyway,the only man I have eyes for is my friend.I have no way to contact him and as I have mentioned he is engaged to some chick who I think is a bitch,and a fake.

When I met him all the lights turned on,ya know.I knew I wanted him to be the man I shared everything with,and maybe someday would have a family and life with.

It may never happen,but I know he is the only one I want to share all of my firsts with.Yes I'm 30 but I am uptight lol.I take waiting for the right person VERY serious and will not just jump in to bed with anyone. Dear god though,I am a woman and I do have urges...This sucks SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad !!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

On the up side I've started to lose weight....maybe that will change his mind if I'm not a fat pig.

I just hope he does not marry her,please God don't let my heart be anymore crushed then it is.I have had a life of fear,depression and heartache.Now that I am in love.......I dont know what else to do but pray.....

Analyzing myself

It's been a few days since I last posted.They weather still has me in a funk,and I'm trying to cope with the pain of losing a special friend.

It sounds like a death doesn't it ? Well to me it feels like one.I have to find a way (with all of my researching, and persistance) to keep him in my life some how.I never met anyone so damn amazing. No kidding ,I actually enjoy being around him,I don't want him to ever leave.
It's weird for me, I don't like to be around anybody.I see entertaing company to feel like a chore I could happily do without.A small meaningless conversation,a hello or nod of the head is good for me.Thats all the human contact I need.....but then there is "Al". He breaks the walls down of my perfectly made house of seclusion.I feel like something is missing when he is not around.When he is I smile...not the fake smile I give to people I pass through the day  a REAL smile.He is the only man or person in general I want in my life.
I feel happy I waited for the perfect man when I see him.
Then comes the burn of him being with that bitch.
Hope seems to fade,dreams crash to the floor like glass.The curtains that once let in the light I desire are pulled closed.
He is everything I ever wanted and needed before I ever knew I did.
I was living my life in search of the feeling only he gives me.I am in love.
Why does love hurt so much?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WISogScYNXA

Why should I conform !!!????

The weather here in New York is massively sucking !

Slushie roads and damp cold air pierces your lungs when you walk out in it.I woke up today all barfy and stuffy.I am a little sick but okay.My head is spinningfrom trying to put everything I need to in order in my life.I have the added stress of my love,the man I know is my soulmate leaving.I can not seem to let it go.I try to go totally against my feelings and try to blow it all off.No luck.
It's like holding your breath.It is uncomfortable to go against the natural instinct of breathing.You think you can beat,but it starts to affect you in ways you can not control.As you continue to fight the actual need to breathe you notice your chest struggle to find any form of air to grasp to.Your face turns red your cheeks get puffy as you fight your mouth trying to open.You get woozy and are unable to stand finally you can no longer fight it and your body wins when you gasp for air before collapsing.The result of not letting yourself finally get air would be blacking out,brain hemeraging from lack of oxygen and eventual death.
So for me to emotionally hold my breath does me no good.
Trying to reason with my heart about the fact of it's love having no apparent logic and no boundaries it futile.
If I could press a button and poof it away I could tell you I would,but I might be lying.I love the new life feeling that it birthed inside me.The only problem is the pain of it not returned.I chalked it up to the following.
It is crazy to think someone would allow another person to dictate there life.So the whole not ethical argument over even having a friendship is either a load of snot or he is unable to break free from what others tell him to do.Things are engrained in him that are ultimately crippling,making him feel he has to be a good boy or he gets in trouble.I have lived in doubt and fear most of my life.Struggling and craving praise and acceptance.I know now that that was not a life.I allowed myself to be a puppet of others to avoid the truth that if someone does not approve I might need to stand up and have a backbone. Confrontation is a enemy I have bowed down for to keep at bay.Only the past few months have I been able to begin to rise up and face it.

It has to be because I am ugly,fat and unpredictable.I am trying to get rid of the fat thing.I am slowly inching to my goal.My actual goal is to lose a good 80 to 90 lbs.It is awfully hard.
The ugly thing is beyond my control.I try to lessen my frightningness with make up and grooming but can not do much more.
I have always been very predictable.Most likely do to fear of stepping out of the acceptable.When I turned 28 something in me was like "screw it ".
I may sound like a sailor at times,I may look at someone and out of no where say something crazy.I like to play,and serious people are kinda dull to me.When I see a promising person,rolled up in rules but their core is screaming out that they are fun and goofy...I want to bring it out.I will do just about anything to make them laugh...I don't think outside the box...I am so out there I don't even no where or what the hell the box is !
And I like it.
See...I totally went against the rule of starting a sentence with "and".LOL.
All this wackiness is who I really am.If I did not ever open my heart I would still be looking for myself.If nothing else I owe my thanks and just about anything else to him. Now if I could just crack that uptight exterior he has,I think we could be great friends...he totally needs me just as much as I needed him...just in a different way.He helped me find my free spirit now I want to help him lose that damn box!

You've Got A Friend In Me - lyrics

...Always remember
-love ,your friend always

walking through the muddy waters....

Today I sit at my computer thinking about the high hopes I had for 2011.The one most important thing that I hoped for was pulled out from under me on both the 13th and 14th of this month.This was my year for getting the man I loved to care for me in the same way.Two weeks into the year and it is already down the crapper.
The 14th was actually the worst of the 2 horrid days.Watching him walk away,the distance of us growing bigger each second was like someone sliced open my stomach and my guts spilled out.I need to have him in my life,he makes it so much better.
I liked the way I felt inside knowing he was there.I am actually going through a withdrawl.
It may be unethical to be my friend....but ethics are so overrated.
If you live all uptight with restrictions and titles you never really live.You can miss out on something or someone who makes you enjoy life or feel different in a good way.You could miss out on the person you may need later on,someone who can understand you.I may be the person he needs in the future to help him straighten out a situation or the one with the advice he needs.
I am disgarded,abandoned like a piece of trash or left on the side of the road like a cat that is no longer wanted.
Where I lived most of my life,grew up and walked on the very ground of is where he is going to work.Even if he throws me out of his life,I will be all around him,having previously stepped where he surely will and smell and hear the same things he will.To walk in the buildings at one time my child and teenage self ran my fingers across the walls in boredom.I will in essense be the heaviness in the air he will breathe.
I find it ironic how this played out.
I will finish todays post by stating this....
Just because I will be a former client does not logically give an excuse to throw away my friendship...I am a former fetus,does that mean I still live in my mother's belly? It may be my beginning but does not shape who I am ultimately.I am a former sperm/egg combo but I am a 30 year old woman now....will that be held against me.We may battle logic and wits but what it all boils down to is simple. I am a human and you are a human no matter what others may call us...will you take the step and stop getting in your own way of something that could be important later on?
My friend ,you are your own worst enemy when you let others dictate how you live or who you should befriend.I will always be there for you even if years and life seperate us.I may have been a client but I have something that you so desperately need.....the way to see people for what they are and not by what they do.My eyes see a person not a job.We meet the way God ordains it whether you find the way someone meets another distasteful or unsavory does not matter.It is the available door to bring 2 people together when they need to meet. I was not the only one who was supposed to beniefit from our paths crossing.Destiny works both ways. You needed to meet me for some reason...only you can figure out why.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tY_ntpuEhk

Grooveshark Widgets - Music Playlists for Your MySpace & Blog

Grooveshark Widgets - Music Playlists for Your MySpace & Blog

What is going on now....

This is my sequel if you will to my previous blog.To understand more about me and what I've come from visit http://www.thesongofmylifeturnuptheamp@blogspot .com
The title of this blog comes from a song from the 1980's. "Break my Stride"
The fact that you have to keep on moving even when you feel like your heart is broken and it hurts to breathe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L92U1nOSAU

I am in mourning.My life has been drastically altered in the past couple days to the point of "what the f**k ? "
My previous blog was about how I was in love with someone unattainable.The mission to try to attain his love back.
I never had a chance and was so blind.Today he walked out of my life,possibly forever.
He was the best friend I ever had,the only person in my whole 30 years of life I clicked with and the only person who fit my expectations for the perfect match.
I wish he could see this girl he wants to marry the way I do.I had met her before they started dating,and before I even met him.I felt a fakeness about her.The feeling that someone is pretending to care but could care less.Her job was not anything but a paycheck.I could feel that human services was not anything but to self glorify.She was a phony.I felt like she was analyzing me and judging me as less of a person because of my differences.
She is the type of chick who plays a role to beniefit herself but can not hold up the front well.Why can he not see that this woman is going to use him.Why propose to a fake person? I think he does not see it.She is playing him as long as possible,hoping to be able to keep a warm hearted person who fuels her self loving attitude.It should not be about her all the time,and she acts the part that she thinks she should to act like she cares.He has fallen into a web of deception and I cant tell him what I see as a woman looking at another woman.He will think I am just trying to find a reason to split them apart.I can not be the one to open his eyes,he needs to find out himself.I just wish he would listen and I could spare him the pain I see coming.I hope it is not to late when he realizes what she really is.She is what a real bitch is.The person who is sneaky and wont admit it.I am snoopy but I do it because I care,it does not beniefit me and I will admit what I have done.The worst kind of person is a person who hides there wicked ways.I would respect her as a woman if she was at least forthcoming about her true intentions.Simply put,a person who wants it to be all about them,who will use or step on whoever she needs to to reach her ultimate high.
I can not tell the dude who knows I love him that his fiance is a cold hearted fake witch,who makes my skin crawl.I would hurt him and he wont trust my knowing.A woman can read another woman like a man can not read her.I only needed the 40 mins it took to be around her to have a complete image of who she was...BEFORE I EVEN MET HIM. That proves I am not being malicious,I did not like her when I met her.The fact that she is playing with the heart of someone I care about makes me hate her.
I am almost positive that this transfer had to do with her.I hope that before he takes the plunge that living together will bring out her true colors and he can get out of this huge mistake.
I say it is a mistake because I know him well enough to know this is toxic.He will ultimatly become a former man of himself.She will show her bossy nature and end up putting him down,and making him feel guilt for things he should not be feeling guilty for.If he stays with her he will lose his hopeful way and become a person who puts up with it because he thinks its love and will give without recieving.Sounds like abuse waiting to happen.I dont want him to end up like the people who are his clients.We are a group of people who have lost hope and faith in life and the human race.We are not less of people we are just broken.I dont want him to feel the pain I feel trying to live each day (the pain not about loving him and not having him,the pain of just having to be a human in another day of torment pain).
This man deserves a woman who is honest.REAL honesty not the "fake person I want you to think I am because I am really cold hearted and care only about my own self even if it means your heart gets broken" honesty.
She better at least maintain her fakeness for as long as they are together so he does not get hurt.She better not hurt him,he deserves happiness.......REAL happiness