walking through the muddy waters....

Today I sit at my computer thinking about the high hopes I had for 2011.The one most important thing that I hoped for was pulled out from under me on both the 13th and 14th of this month.This was my year for getting the man I loved to care for me in the same way.Two weeks into the year and it is already down the crapper.
The 14th was actually the worst of the 2 horrid days.Watching him walk away,the distance of us growing bigger each second was like someone sliced open my stomach and my guts spilled out.I need to have him in my life,he makes it so much better.
I liked the way I felt inside knowing he was there.I am actually going through a withdrawl.
It may be unethical to be my friend....but ethics are so overrated.
If you live all uptight with restrictions and titles you never really live.You can miss out on something or someone who makes you enjoy life or feel different in a good way.You could miss out on the person you may need later on,someone who can understand you.I may be the person he needs in the future to help him straighten out a situation or the one with the advice he needs.
I am disgarded,abandoned like a piece of trash or left on the side of the road like a cat that is no longer wanted.
Where I lived most of my life,grew up and walked on the very ground of is where he is going to work.Even if he throws me out of his life,I will be all around him,having previously stepped where he surely will and smell and hear the same things he will.To walk in the buildings at one time my child and teenage self ran my fingers across the walls in boredom.I will in essense be the heaviness in the air he will breathe.
I find it ironic how this played out.
I will finish todays post by stating this....
Just because I will be a former client does not logically give an excuse to throw away my friendship...I am a former fetus,does that mean I still live in my mother's belly? It may be my beginning but does not shape who I am ultimately.I am a former sperm/egg combo but I am a 30 year old woman now....will that be held against me.We may battle logic and wits but what it all boils down to is simple. I am a human and you are a human no matter what others may call us...will you take the step and stop getting in your own way of something that could be important later on?
My friend ,you are your own worst enemy when you let others dictate how you live or who you should befriend.I will always be there for you even if years and life seperate us.I may have been a client but I have something that you so desperately need.....the way to see people for what they are and not by what they do.My eyes see a person not a job.We meet the way God ordains it whether you find the way someone meets another distasteful or unsavory does not matter.It is the available door to bring 2 people together when they need to meet. I was not the only one who was supposed to beniefit from our paths crossing.Destiny works both ways. You needed to meet me for some reason...only you can figure out why.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tY_ntpuEhk