no matter what I do I am haunted by my love for him

Okay lots of stuff has been going on so I have not had time to post.Yesterday (march 9th 2011) I went up to Albany to a Rally for Mental health.I was invited by the MHA peer bridger to speak with the assemblymen and senetor people on behalf of funding Mental Health stuff.I got up super early,got a cab to MHA and boarded the bus at around 7 am.I get super barfy on buses,that is why I have not been on one for years....I do not think I will go on one anytime soon either.It took all day today to recoup from it.Anyway,I sort of half heartedly expected my friend to be there....the one that I have discussed so much it's sort of like he is the air I breathe.I did not see him get on the bus...I was in the wayyyyyyyyyy back.Then as we were driving (OMG the bus was freakin' packed!) we were signing a paper so none of us were left behind when I saw in the most perfect handwriting (I have known him to be pretty sloppy when writing) his name.I scanned to see if that she-beast was on the list...nope no she-beast.I felt so totally like I was backin high school a boy I liked would not notice me sort of thing.Then I came down from that kid like feeling.
Why would she not come?If anything you think she would show up to support her man's cause,I would.
It just proves my point of her not not being real.Dude,it's your job to speak for those who cant....and you use it as a day off?
Bitch.
I saw him signing in when we were going to that orientation.I made sure to say hi.I didn't want him to know that not seeing him for over a month was killing me inside.That seeing him calmed my nerves.That barfy feeling went away.I tryed to act cool,but I know I was so happy tosee himI came off well....off.He bwas all dressed up,looking like a little lawyer.I noticed he was hanging around a certain person alot...funny she was my case manager like 5 or 6 years ago! If they did not have significant others I would say they were together...I could feel his attraction to her.It was kinda creepy that I could but I saw it.I was on line to sign up for meeting with the assembly dude when I smelled a farmiliar smell.The sweet clean scent that had been my comfort for a year.I turned to see him next to me.He was also signing up.Just having him stand next to me was a total feeling of like when you had been holding your breathe for a long time and then just let it out.

I wished he would sit near me or talk to me while we were marching or even at the rally.People were standing up and saying why mental health mattered to them.I saw no one who I was on the bus with saying anything...I felt like I had to.I had all the words perfect in my head...but they came out like a foreign language when I actually spoke.Before I spoke I kept glancing across the way at him.It felt like he wanted to be as far from me as possible.He was hanging with some tall dude wearing sunglasses,very official looking.I noticed he did not seem to even look at me....I must have not noticed but he saw me.He said later that he saw me inching or creeping closer to the mic.He was looking at me!!!!!
As I was speaking I looked out and saw him.He had a weird look on his face,I never saw it before.It was discust and confusion like...but apparently I did not and may not ever know what it was exactly.When he got on the bus he had to pass me...my head was saying sit next to me! I wanted to turn around and ask him to come sit in the seat across from me...but I was to chicken.He made sure to tell me I did a good job and he was proud of me.It felt forced...but it could be because I was looking at him differently.I still care about him so deeply and love him so much....but was seeing him as someone who would be drifting out of my life yet again and not knowing how long it would be before if ever I got to see him.I made sure to fidget with my phone when I got off the bus...just to catch him coming off.I asked if I could talk to him for a min.He was probrobly dreding that.I told him I missed him,and that we should catch up or something.I poked a bit of fun at his clothes to lighten the tension.I actually thought he looked very handsome...but don't tell him I thought so.
Then I watched him walk away....again.
It felt like this would be what a personal hell would be like for me.Watching the man I loved and would give anything to be with walk away fromme over and over.Feeling the distance between us growing as my heart was breaking.
On a up side,the rally was cooland the people were super nice.

I hope he sees what a untolerable self loving bitchy whore that chick is......For about 5 months I have been having awful dreams.They are just like the ones when Iknew before bit happened who he was dating,gwetting engaged to and leaving me to go for a different job.I have been dreaming that that bitch is pregnant.It happens before any marriage happens....I hope it is just my own paranoia.
It disgusts me to think of him with her let qalone anything else.I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT.maybe if Iam thin he will thinktwice and realize that no one could ever love him as mucfh as I doand always will.A big staement nbut I know that if neede I would give up my life for him...I would go to the ends of the earth for him...I dont think thatbitch feels as deeply for himas I do.She was not even backing himon this trip!
It gets me so angry.He desrves to be loved and shown that love and support always....God I loathe her!
I guess it was best she did not come.I would not have been able to not rip her fucking face off and shove it up her ass!

Okay time to chil out.Gonna make some tea and watch a new Archer....Blog ya later.