It's like holding your breath.It is uncomfortable to go against the natural instinct of breathing.You think you can beat,but it starts to affect you in ways you can not control.As you continue to fight the actual need to breathe you notice your chest struggle to find any form of air to grasp to.Your face turns red your cheeks get puffy as you fight your mouth trying to open.You get woozy and are unable to stand finally you can no longer fight it and your body wins when you gasp for air before collapsing.The result of not letting yourself finally get air would be blacking out,brain hemeraging from lack of oxygen and eventual death.
So for me to emotionally hold my breath does me no good.
Trying to reason with my heart about the fact of it's love having no apparent logic and no boundaries it futile.
If I could press a button and poof it away I could tell you I would,but I might be lying.I love the new life feeling that it birthed inside me.The only problem is the pain of it not returned.I chalked it up to the following.
It is crazy to think someone would allow another person to dictate there life.So the whole not ethical argument over even having a friendship is either a load of snot or he is unable to break free from what others tell him to do.Things are engrained in him that are ultimately crippling,making him feel he has to be a good boy or he gets in trouble.I have lived in doubt and fear most of my life.Struggling and craving praise and acceptance.I know now that that was not a life.I allowed myself to be a puppet of others to avoid the truth that if someone does not approve I might need to stand up and have a backbone. Confrontation is a enemy I have bowed down for to keep at bay.Only the past few months have I been able to begin to rise up and face it.
It has to be because I am ugly,fat and unpredictable.I am trying to get rid of the fat thing.I am slowly inching to my goal.My actual goal is to lose a good 80 to 90 lbs.It is awfully hard.
The ugly thing is beyond my control.I try to lessen my frightningness with make up and grooming but can not do much more.
I have always been very predictable.Most likely do to fear of stepping out of the acceptable.When I turned 28 something in me was like "screw it ".
I may sound like a sailor at times,I may look at someone and out of no where say something crazy.I like to play,and serious people are kinda dull to me.When I see a promising person,rolled up in rules but their core is screaming out that they are fun and goofy...I want to bring it out.I will do just about anything to make them laugh...I don't think outside the box...I am so out there I don't even no where or what the hell the box is !
And I like it.
See...I totally went against the rule of starting a sentence with "and".LOL.
All this wackiness is who I really am.If I did not ever open my heart I would still be looking for myself.If nothing else I owe my thanks and just about anything else to him. Now if I could just crack that uptight exterior he has,I think we could be great friends...he totally needs me just as much as I needed him...just in a different way.He helped me find my free spirit now I want to help him lose that damn box!
No comments:
Post a Comment