Analyzing myself

It's been a few days since I last posted.They weather still has me in a funk,and I'm trying to cope with the pain of losing a special friend.

It sounds like a death doesn't it ? Well to me it feels like one.I have to find a way (with all of my researching, and persistance) to keep him in my life some how.I never met anyone so damn amazing. No kidding ,I actually enjoy being around him,I don't want him to ever leave.
It's weird for me, I don't like to be around anybody.I see entertaing company to feel like a chore I could happily do without.A small meaningless conversation,a hello or nod of the head is good for me.Thats all the human contact I need.....but then there is "Al". He breaks the walls down of my perfectly made house of seclusion.I feel like something is missing when he is not around.When he is I smile...not the fake smile I give to people I pass through the day  a REAL smile.He is the only man or person in general I want in my life.
I feel happy I waited for the perfect man when I see him.
Then comes the burn of him being with that bitch.
Hope seems to fade,dreams crash to the floor like glass.The curtains that once let in the light I desire are pulled closed.
He is everything I ever wanted and needed before I ever knew I did.
I was living my life in search of the feeling only he gives me.I am in love.
Why does love hurt so much?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WISogScYNXA

Why should I conform !!!????

The weather here in New York is massively sucking !

Slushie roads and damp cold air pierces your lungs when you walk out in it.I woke up today all barfy and stuffy.I am a little sick but okay.My head is spinningfrom trying to put everything I need to in order in my life.I have the added stress of my love,the man I know is my soulmate leaving.I can not seem to let it go.I try to go totally against my feelings and try to blow it all off.No luck.
It's like holding your breath.It is uncomfortable to go against the natural instinct of breathing.You think you can beat,but it starts to affect you in ways you can not control.As you continue to fight the actual need to breathe you notice your chest struggle to find any form of air to grasp to.Your face turns red your cheeks get puffy as you fight your mouth trying to open.You get woozy and are unable to stand finally you can no longer fight it and your body wins when you gasp for air before collapsing.The result of not letting yourself finally get air would be blacking out,brain hemeraging from lack of oxygen and eventual death.
So for me to emotionally hold my breath does me no good.
Trying to reason with my heart about the fact of it's love having no apparent logic and no boundaries it futile.
If I could press a button and poof it away I could tell you I would,but I might be lying.I love the new life feeling that it birthed inside me.The only problem is the pain of it not returned.I chalked it up to the following.
It is crazy to think someone would allow another person to dictate there life.So the whole not ethical argument over even having a friendship is either a load of snot or he is unable to break free from what others tell him to do.Things are engrained in him that are ultimately crippling,making him feel he has to be a good boy or he gets in trouble.I have lived in doubt and fear most of my life.Struggling and craving praise and acceptance.I know now that that was not a life.I allowed myself to be a puppet of others to avoid the truth that if someone does not approve I might need to stand up and have a backbone. Confrontation is a enemy I have bowed down for to keep at bay.Only the past few months have I been able to begin to rise up and face it.

It has to be because I am ugly,fat and unpredictable.I am trying to get rid of the fat thing.I am slowly inching to my goal.My actual goal is to lose a good 80 to 90 lbs.It is awfully hard.
The ugly thing is beyond my control.I try to lessen my frightningness with make up and grooming but can not do much more.
I have always been very predictable.Most likely do to fear of stepping out of the acceptable.When I turned 28 something in me was like "screw it ".
I may sound like a sailor at times,I may look at someone and out of no where say something crazy.I like to play,and serious people are kinda dull to me.When I see a promising person,rolled up in rules but their core is screaming out that they are fun and goofy...I want to bring it out.I will do just about anything to make them laugh...I don't think outside the box...I am so out there I don't even no where or what the hell the box is !
And I like it.
See...I totally went against the rule of starting a sentence with "and".LOL.
All this wackiness is who I really am.If I did not ever open my heart I would still be looking for myself.If nothing else I owe my thanks and just about anything else to him. Now if I could just crack that uptight exterior he has,I think we could be great friends...he totally needs me just as much as I needed him...just in a different way.He helped me find my free spirit now I want to help him lose that damn box!

You've Got A Friend In Me - lyrics

...Always remember
-love ,your friend always

walking through the muddy waters....

Today I sit at my computer thinking about the high hopes I had for 2011.The one most important thing that I hoped for was pulled out from under me on both the 13th and 14th of this month.This was my year for getting the man I loved to care for me in the same way.Two weeks into the year and it is already down the crapper.
The 14th was actually the worst of the 2 horrid days.Watching him walk away,the distance of us growing bigger each second was like someone sliced open my stomach and my guts spilled out.I need to have him in my life,he makes it so much better.
I liked the way I felt inside knowing he was there.I am actually going through a withdrawl.
It may be unethical to be my friend....but ethics are so overrated.
If you live all uptight with restrictions and titles you never really live.You can miss out on something or someone who makes you enjoy life or feel different in a good way.You could miss out on the person you may need later on,someone who can understand you.I may be the person he needs in the future to help him straighten out a situation or the one with the advice he needs.
I am disgarded,abandoned like a piece of trash or left on the side of the road like a cat that is no longer wanted.
Where I lived most of my life,grew up and walked on the very ground of is where he is going to work.Even if he throws me out of his life,I will be all around him,having previously stepped where he surely will and smell and hear the same things he will.To walk in the buildings at one time my child and teenage self ran my fingers across the walls in boredom.I will in essense be the heaviness in the air he will breathe.
I find it ironic how this played out.
I will finish todays post by stating this....
Just because I will be a former client does not logically give an excuse to throw away my friendship...I am a former fetus,does that mean I still live in my mother's belly? It may be my beginning but does not shape who I am ultimately.I am a former sperm/egg combo but I am a 30 year old woman now....will that be held against me.We may battle logic and wits but what it all boils down to is simple. I am a human and you are a human no matter what others may call us...will you take the step and stop getting in your own way of something that could be important later on?
My friend ,you are your own worst enemy when you let others dictate how you live or who you should befriend.I will always be there for you even if years and life seperate us.I may have been a client but I have something that you so desperately need.....the way to see people for what they are and not by what they do.My eyes see a person not a job.We meet the way God ordains it whether you find the way someone meets another distasteful or unsavory does not matter.It is the available door to bring 2 people together when they need to meet. I was not the only one who was supposed to beniefit from our paths crossing.Destiny works both ways. You needed to meet me for some reason...only you can figure out why.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tY_ntpuEhk

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What is going on now....

This is my sequel if you will to my previous blog.To understand more about me and what I've come from visit http://www.thesongofmylifeturnuptheamp@blogspot .com
The title of this blog comes from a song from the 1980's. "Break my Stride"
The fact that you have to keep on moving even when you feel like your heart is broken and it hurts to breathe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L92U1nOSAU

I am in mourning.My life has been drastically altered in the past couple days to the point of "what the f**k ? "
My previous blog was about how I was in love with someone unattainable.The mission to try to attain his love back.
I never had a chance and was so blind.Today he walked out of my life,possibly forever.
He was the best friend I ever had,the only person in my whole 30 years of life I clicked with and the only person who fit my expectations for the perfect match.
I wish he could see this girl he wants to marry the way I do.I had met her before they started dating,and before I even met him.I felt a fakeness about her.The feeling that someone is pretending to care but could care less.Her job was not anything but a paycheck.I could feel that human services was not anything but to self glorify.She was a phony.I felt like she was analyzing me and judging me as less of a person because of my differences.
She is the type of chick who plays a role to beniefit herself but can not hold up the front well.Why can he not see that this woman is going to use him.Why propose to a fake person? I think he does not see it.She is playing him as long as possible,hoping to be able to keep a warm hearted person who fuels her self loving attitude.It should not be about her all the time,and she acts the part that she thinks she should to act like she cares.He has fallen into a web of deception and I cant tell him what I see as a woman looking at another woman.He will think I am just trying to find a reason to split them apart.I can not be the one to open his eyes,he needs to find out himself.I just wish he would listen and I could spare him the pain I see coming.I hope it is not to late when he realizes what she really is.She is what a real bitch is.The person who is sneaky and wont admit it.I am snoopy but I do it because I care,it does not beniefit me and I will admit what I have done.The worst kind of person is a person who hides there wicked ways.I would respect her as a woman if she was at least forthcoming about her true intentions.Simply put,a person who wants it to be all about them,who will use or step on whoever she needs to to reach her ultimate high.
I can not tell the dude who knows I love him that his fiance is a cold hearted fake witch,who makes my skin crawl.I would hurt him and he wont trust my knowing.A woman can read another woman like a man can not read her.I only needed the 40 mins it took to be around her to have a complete image of who she was...BEFORE I EVEN MET HIM. That proves I am not being malicious,I did not like her when I met her.The fact that she is playing with the heart of someone I care about makes me hate her.
I am almost positive that this transfer had to do with her.I hope that before he takes the plunge that living together will bring out her true colors and he can get out of this huge mistake.
I say it is a mistake because I know him well enough to know this is toxic.He will ultimatly become a former man of himself.She will show her bossy nature and end up putting him down,and making him feel guilt for things he should not be feeling guilty for.If he stays with her he will lose his hopeful way and become a person who puts up with it because he thinks its love and will give without recieving.Sounds like abuse waiting to happen.I dont want him to end up like the people who are his clients.We are a group of people who have lost hope and faith in life and the human race.We are not less of people we are just broken.I dont want him to feel the pain I feel trying to live each day (the pain not about loving him and not having him,the pain of just having to be a human in another day of torment pain).
This man deserves a woman who is honest.REAL honesty not the "fake person I want you to think I am because I am really cold hearted and care only about my own self even if it means your heart gets broken" honesty.
She better at least maintain her fakeness for as long as they are together so he does not get hurt.She better not hurt him,he deserves happiness.......REAL happiness