Reflection

Hey y'all.Not much to update on.Still stressing about finding a apartment.
My heart is still raw and I'm feeling numb.

I miss my friend.
I have accepted that I may never be happy.That I may just be unlovable.
It hurts so bad that it sorta blends into each crevis of my life,becoming a infinate blur a constant soupy fog of normality.The love and the pain have become a part of me like a new layer of flesh.
Trippy!
Even the everyday things I have to deal with do not distract me from my true core of existance.
My foundation for the life house is cracked.
He will always be my heart,and I can not seem to shake him.I guess this old "gorilla" just can't catch a break.
I was born to a life of failure,rejection,pain,and to love without limits but never be loved in return.

Better go,Got some cleaning to attend to.Hopefully the next post will not be such a downer.Blog ya later.xoxo

no matter what I do I am haunted by my love for him

Okay lots of stuff has been going on so I have not had time to post.Yesterday (march 9th 2011) I went up to Albany to a Rally for Mental health.I was invited by the MHA peer bridger to speak with the assemblymen and senetor people on behalf of funding Mental Health stuff.I got up super early,got a cab to MHA and boarded the bus at around 7 am.I get super barfy on buses,that is why I have not been on one for years....I do not think I will go on one anytime soon either.It took all day today to recoup from it.Anyway,I sort of half heartedly expected my friend to be there....the one that I have discussed so much it's sort of like he is the air I breathe.I did not see him get on the bus...I was in the wayyyyyyyyyy back.Then as we were driving (OMG the bus was freakin' packed!) we were signing a paper so none of us were left behind when I saw in the most perfect handwriting (I have known him to be pretty sloppy when writing) his name.I scanned to see if that she-beast was on the list...nope no she-beast.I felt so totally like I was backin high school a boy I liked would not notice me sort of thing.Then I came down from that kid like feeling.
Why would she not come?If anything you think she would show up to support her man's cause,I would.
It just proves my point of her not not being real.Dude,it's your job to speak for those who cant....and you use it as a day off?
Bitch.
I saw him signing in when we were going to that orientation.I made sure to say hi.I didn't want him to know that not seeing him for over a month was killing me inside.That seeing him calmed my nerves.That barfy feeling went away.I tryed to act cool,but I know I was so happy tosee himI came off well....off.He bwas all dressed up,looking like a little lawyer.I noticed he was hanging around a certain person alot...funny she was my case manager like 5 or 6 years ago! If they did not have significant others I would say they were together...I could feel his attraction to her.It was kinda creepy that I could but I saw it.I was on line to sign up for meeting with the assembly dude when I smelled a farmiliar smell.The sweet clean scent that had been my comfort for a year.I turned to see him next to me.He was also signing up.Just having him stand next to me was a total feeling of like when you had been holding your breathe for a long time and then just let it out.

I wished he would sit near me or talk to me while we were marching or even at the rally.People were standing up and saying why mental health mattered to them.I saw no one who I was on the bus with saying anything...I felt like I had to.I had all the words perfect in my head...but they came out like a foreign language when I actually spoke.Before I spoke I kept glancing across the way at him.It felt like he wanted to be as far from me as possible.He was hanging with some tall dude wearing sunglasses,very official looking.I noticed he did not seem to even look at me....I must have not noticed but he saw me.He said later that he saw me inching or creeping closer to the mic.He was looking at me!!!!!
As I was speaking I looked out and saw him.He had a weird look on his face,I never saw it before.It was discust and confusion like...but apparently I did not and may not ever know what it was exactly.When he got on the bus he had to pass me...my head was saying sit next to me! I wanted to turn around and ask him to come sit in the seat across from me...but I was to chicken.He made sure to tell me I did a good job and he was proud of me.It felt forced...but it could be because I was looking at him differently.I still care about him so deeply and love him so much....but was seeing him as someone who would be drifting out of my life yet again and not knowing how long it would be before if ever I got to see him.I made sure to fidget with my phone when I got off the bus...just to catch him coming off.I asked if I could talk to him for a min.He was probrobly dreding that.I told him I missed him,and that we should catch up or something.I poked a bit of fun at his clothes to lighten the tension.I actually thought he looked very handsome...but don't tell him I thought so.
Then I watched him walk away....again.
It felt like this would be what a personal hell would be like for me.Watching the man I loved and would give anything to be with walk away fromme over and over.Feeling the distance between us growing as my heart was breaking.
On a up side,the rally was cooland the people were super nice.

I hope he sees what a untolerable self loving bitchy whore that chick is......For about 5 months I have been having awful dreams.They are just like the ones when Iknew before bit happened who he was dating,gwetting engaged to and leaving me to go for a different job.I have been dreaming that that bitch is pregnant.It happens before any marriage happens....I hope it is just my own paranoia.
It disgusts me to think of him with her let qalone anything else.I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT.maybe if Iam thin he will thinktwice and realize that no one could ever love him as mucfh as I doand always will.A big staement nbut I know that if neede I would give up my life for him...I would go to the ends of the earth for him...I dont think thatbitch feels as deeply for himas I do.She was not even backing himon this trip!
It gets me so angry.He desrves to be loved and shown that love and support always....God I loathe her!
I guess it was best she did not come.I would not have been able to not rip her fucking face off and shove it up her ass!

Okay time to chil out.Gonna make some tea and watch a new Archer....Blog ya later.

Story of Clyde





 I have been missing my little dog Clyde a lot lately.Yes, I have my sweet Benny now but I feel like Things were unfinished with Clyde.I remember having to leave him with my parents because I was homeless.My sister let me sleep on her couch and would not allow dogs.I could not stay at my parents house because my brother would beat me and fights would arise.My family had always tried to seperate me from my dog.I worked very hard and many hours to get him.He was ill and almost died the first night I had him.I think that is why we had such a strong bond.I stayed up through the night caring for him.I had someone who made me feel loved.He loved me back and always knew when I needed him,even before I knew.After about 3 years of having him I had a complete nervous,and emotional breakdown.I was unable to work and had to leave my job.I was also unable to pay my rent and was forced to take the last of my money and by a plane ticket.I went to stay with my eldest sister down in Florida.Because Clyde was a purebred my parents and brother told me to sell him.If I did that would not be enough money to live,And he was my only companion.I never felt any bond with my family,and my brother was angry that Clyde made me happy.He always tryed to hurt him I would cover his tiny body with my own to stop the blows.Sometimes when my brother was beating me Clyde would try to protect me putting his body in front of me.I hated being afraid of what might happen each second.They lived in the same apartment complex as us so I could not get away from that brat of a brother..I had my Clyde the clothes on my back and a small gym type bag with the only things I could take.I left a lot of important things behind but I was happy to have my little friend with me.Florida turned out to be a bad idea.I ended up getting a slummy apartment where I could hear the neighbors beating each other and drug dealing outside my bedroom window.I could hear them leaning next to the window glass,I even heard some shots outside my window.After my breakdown I was all nerves and everything was freaking me out.The police would not come when called,they said that it was normal for the area.They never once checked up on it.All of my disability was paying my rent and electric.I barely had 60 dollars to spred through the month to feed Clyde and myself.I went hungry sometimes for weeks and would go up to the gas mart up the street with what little I had and buy things like spam and vienna sausages just to feed my dog.On the way back I would stop at the subway and use there bathroom to get us tolit paper.That is how I lived for 6 months.





  During this time my mother would call me and tell me about all the wonderful things in ny that she could help me get set up with(mental health services,housing,etc.) After a time It sounded really good.She said I could stay with a friend of the family for the couple of months while it all happened.I knew what I was living was no life.I did not pay my last months rent and insted used it to by a ticket to ny.I really thought things would be better.My sister had been threatining to put me in a institution and have Clyde taken from me.She did not like that I was not at her beck and call for babysitting her 2 rowdy kids.I struck up a friendship of convenience with a woman around the area and got a ride to the airport.When I  finally arrived in ny after flight issues my mom informed me she had never asked the friend to have me stay.I had no where to sleep that night.I eventually ended up going back and forth between sleeping on my parents concrete floor with no more then a flat old pillow and a throw blanket,and sleeping on my sisters couch.To make a long story short I was homeless for 2-3 years.Yes I would have a roof over my head but that was it.All of my disability would go for food and paying my sister to sleep on her couch.I would talk to Clyde in those last days of being with him,promising we would get a place and have a fresh start.I never knew he would not be there when I did.I remember the first night in my apartment.It was supposed to be him and me together,I failed him.

Then I met Benny..... (to be continued)