VALENTINE"S DAY.....HOW I HATE THEE!!!

I will admit,yeah I'm a slacker when it comes to posting lately.It's just that nothing aside from the normal shit has been happining.I mean everything is still dull.Sucky weather,broken heart,parents making me stressed,money is way beyond tight and prepping for my move.All topics I think I covered already.

Tommorow being Valentines day does not help.The guy I wanted to be my Valentine for every day is still not.It makes me angry,because I really thought this year would be the year I would get to celebrate and not cele-hate Vday.

Another year and still a bitter old hag.I've heard of low points in peoples love life but damn! When the hell will my scale tip from sucky to un-sucky?

It rips my heart out knowing he will be spending this day with that critter.It kills me everytime I think about him with her.I wonder if he would care if he knew that each second I die a little more as she gets a second of life from me.

Crazy,right? I have always been a pretty emotional person.Then to stop feeling everyone elses pain I somehow shut myself down.Now I am emotionally vulnerable again,and wish being human did not hurt so much.

Nothing but the finest s**t on the menu,at the cafe' of life....

A few days have passed and I am still in this funk.
I miss my friend.

I have a lot on my plate at the moment and wish he was not one of the items.I am looking for a cheaper apartment but it has to allow small dogs. (well to be honest even though Benny is a small breed he is a pudge muffin ).My lease will be up soon so I am freaking.I am supposed to have help so I dont freak so much but this case manager I've been thrown to does not seem very professional.I also have been forgetting to take my meds,I can not remember how many days it has been.I am dealing with being the go between person still for my parents...can you say TOTALLY NOT MY PLACE ?!
I can always count on my family for added stress.I have a certain amount of time to get a ID so I can cash and return some money to case management for a class I was supposed to take but it got cancelled,the weather sucks,I'm short on money (again) this month and dont want to have to go through the whole not eating for 2 weeks again thing,More parent stress with my mom calling me up to 5x a day for advice and just about anything,I have a dude who is trying to get ahold of me that I am not attracted to who just wants sex,another on facebook who wants to "spend time" with me and leaves me little messages each day,and all I can think about is my friend.Yep, that was a crazy ass run on sentence.
I am not attracted to the dudes who like me.My biological clock is ticking and things are starting to not be as...um I guess you could say placed as they once were.All in all I feel OLD,like my time has passed by.I am still waiting for my first kiss (the 3x I was kissed was forced and NOT consentual ).
It made me feel dirty,and I will always feel it was my fault.Any physical contact was not approved,I just thank god it did not get to far.
Lets leave this topic,it turns my stomach.
Anyway,the only man I have eyes for is my friend.I have no way to contact him and as I have mentioned he is engaged to some chick who I think is a bitch,and a fake.

When I met him all the lights turned on,ya know.I knew I wanted him to be the man I shared everything with,and maybe someday would have a family and life with.

It may never happen,but I know he is the only one I want to share all of my firsts with.Yes I'm 30 but I am uptight lol.I take waiting for the right person VERY serious and will not just jump in to bed with anyone. Dear god though,I am a woman and I do have urges...This sucks SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad !!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

On the up side I've started to lose weight....maybe that will change his mind if I'm not a fat pig.

I just hope he does not marry her,please God don't let my heart be anymore crushed then it is.I have had a life of fear,depression and heartache.Now that I am in love.......I dont know what else to do but pray.....