The stress of having to single handedly do the divorce papers for my parents is quite overwhelming for me. always had a difficult time when it came down to saying no to my family.This is so very hard for me because it was all dropped into my lap. My mother calls me constantly about it. I get scared if I pick the wrong one online that she could be cheated...what if its like a con or some way not legit?
Why would she dump this in the hands of a learning disabled person with such high anxiety? I have dizzy spells and black outs. Maybe because I just never say no.
I am available to do what they wont so why not? I do not dispute them,why am I still at the age of 30 seeking approval and praise from my parents?
I guess I can sum it up by saying I never felt like I ever got any growing up. I dont want to say my parents were bad,they had alot of their own stuff going on. I just wish I got a little of the good stuff my eldest sister and little brother got. The backing and help to reach for their goals and dreams. My other sister never got any praise or encouragement, I dont even know if she ever had any interests. If she did she kept it quiet. She must have realized that it was a waste to even try to ask for anything to urge her to a dream. My eldest sister was the artist and my mother was always spoiling her with whatever she desired, and allowing her to do clubs and enter shows to perfect it. My little brother got a guitar before he was even 7. He was given every oppertunity to do something with his talent. I look back and get a bit pissed seeing that they both threw it all away. I wonder what would have happened if my other sister and I had gotten that backing.
I was pushed into art/drawing because I might be another "nellie" even though I knew I could not be. I wanted to perform since I was 3. I loved it. I was never encouraged, no clubs no chance to expand.
I remember when I was 16 or so.There was a school for performing arts and at a really good price.. I was so excited. I mentioned it to my mom. I could tell she did not believe in me. So I was thrilled when we stopped there one night. I was so foolish....the thing I thought she was going todoforme turned out to be for my brother.She had found out that they had a music prodigy program...she was checking it out for him. I wanted to cry and disapear but if I showed any sign of weakness it would make it worse.
None of us kids talk to each other now that we are grown.We all have our own personal anger toward our past, and being pitted against each other.We did it to survive. As I once wrote before it was like a jungle. To survive we could not think about how the other would feel, we were just buying a extra second of peace for ourselves.We all grew up to be very different people. You would not even know we were related if not told so. Our personalities clash so much,it is for the best that we live our lives as only children.
My oldest sister was prepped to become a art teacher but threw it away to do tattoos. My mother even had to make a deal with the principal to get her to graduate. She was a bad student who cared more about getting high and cutting class. She expected everything to be handed to her,after all she had always had it that way. I like to call her a poor man's princess.We barely could get by but she always seemed to get everything she wanted. She still throws it in my face that she has a high school diploma and I have a ged. She did not even earn it! At least I earned mine...but we do not see eye to eye. She thinks she had it hard growing up. PLEASE!
I can not stand her.
My forgotten sister struggled through some real shit. Although we do not see eye to eye (we have very different outlooks on things) I understand any grudge she may hold to a point,after all she was attacked alot for no reason.She became a cop,good for her.
My little brother also like my eldest sister thinks he got a raw deal.That child was pampered and got everything even if it ment no food in the house. I lost my apartment trying to help pay for expenses and debts he caused. He was allowed to beat me for 17 years without any consequences. He lived a charmed life! To this day "mr. Music"still expects everyone to give him whatever he wants. He turns my stomach. He feels (no joke he told me this totally serious ) that the world owes him and every cent is his. He calls me constantly and yells at me for cash. I could not send him any if I wanted to.Why does he not use all that talent? The kid thinks he is to good to have a job. He refuses to work.He also dropped out of school to run off with his secret girlfriend....12 years his senior whom he had been dating since he was 11! Can we say mary kay letourneau ?
And then there is me. I have no wonderful position in life. I worked my ass off at jobs people turn their nose up to. I never got any help for my emotional and mental differences growing up so a nervous breakdown was a long time coming.I am on disability, see a shrink every week and I'm on meds (which I get so overwhelmed be family drama I sometimes can not recall if I have taken).
The movie I was talking about was "about schmidt".
Most known for a awful Kathy Bates hot tub scene.The true point behind the movie is much over looked. I mean its not my favorite but the end of the movie really sums up my current state of mind. here is the clip.starting at 1:26 is the letter (or speech of my life)
Up until the moment when he sees that painting it feels like he is me and I am him. I just wish I could have a moment like that...the moment that you know for sure you mattered, that you changed or helped someone's life for the better. My moment of being the person in the painting that the painter was greateful for...that my life mattered.Will I have a Ndugu moment or just waste away. Remembered as nothing because my existance was a blink of a the eye and given as much thought as one.
It's 3:57 am...
