Possibilities????

                                                                                                              6-6-11
Yeah it has been awhile,but so much crazy has been going on.
My  to visit from the 9th of may until this saturday june 11th.My father is having me help him do this bankrupcy thing .My bro has turned into a full blown tree hugging stoner.I almost collapsed from not being able to breathe.I went to the ww2 show and got sun poisoning for the second year in a row,and I'm still pissed off about the fact that I missed out on so much because my mother was to busy nurturing my sister and brothers talents to help me get the backing I needed...and they threw it all away.On the up side....I met someone I really like.

                                                                                                                    6-11-11
I totally could not get near this damn computer to finish my post from above.My mom left today...and took my make up with her ....again.
How come she can not just say something like "I like these shades,where can I get them?" or "if you could pick me up one that would be great".
Blood is blood.I understand,and she knows I feel strongly about ity and would totally hook her up...so why the stealing?
Oh well, wont be able to replace it until thursday when I have a few dollars.I'm counting out pennies now and do not even have a dollar.

Back to my previos writing.I still love "Al" very dearly.He is very special to me,and I did not go out looking for a person to fill the void he left when my love scared this Virgo man away (look uptraits of Virgo men and see what being all mushy and loving does to them...the run!)

I was food shopping not to long ago and when I went to pick up some cold cuts it happened.This sweet smiling face looked at me.I did not understand the pull I felt between him and myself.I do not know if he also felt it.He made me think of "Al" except warm and caring,not rigid and professional.I flirted without even thinking,I felt a instant attraction.I never make the first move...I never make any move...but I left my name and facebook for him at the curtisy desk....I was so terrified I was going to scare someone else away.....BUT HE FRIENDED ME ON FACEBOOK!!! Could I actually have a chance to have a awesome friend that might eventually be more then just that? I think I am so behind on this dating thing but I want to really care about the person.I dont know what to do...I'm used to pain,now the happiness is like a child discovering something they had never seen before.....This is what I will focus on not the other crap.-Later

What is my signifigance?

I have been trying to understand the reason for my existance. I mean we all want to know our personal reason for being. I have tryed to explain this to countless people but they are either so wrapped up in their self or just dont give a damn.The best way I have ever heard this internal struggle described was actually in a movie I just saw about an hour ago. It is 2:52 am and I can not sleep. I have been intensly trying to find my meaning. It keeps me up until dawn and makes me exausted in the daylight hours.I know other people must struggle with the eternal question,but it is making me not just re-think choices but dwell on every little thing. My search for life has taken away any life I might have currently had. I suppose it is because so many things are coming to a head that this has taken priority.
The stress of having to single handedly do the divorce papers for my parents is quite overwhelming for me.  always had a difficult time when it came down to saying no to my family.This is so very hard for me because it was all dropped into my lap. My mother calls me constantly about it. I get scared if I pick the wrong one online that she could be cheated...what if its like a con or some way not legit?
Why would she dump this in the hands of a learning disabled person with such high anxiety? I have dizzy spells and black outs. Maybe because I just never say no.
I am available to do what they wont so why not? I do not dispute them,why am I still at the age of 30 seeking approval and praise from my parents?
I guess I can sum it up by saying I never felt like I ever got any growing up. I dont want to say my parents were bad,they had alot of their own stuff going on. I just wish I got a little of the good stuff my eldest sister and little brother got. The backing and help to reach for their goals and dreams. My other sister never got any praise or encouragement, I dont even know if she ever had any interests. If she did she kept it quiet. She must have realized that it was a waste to even try to ask for anything to urge her to a dream. My eldest sister was the artist and my mother was always spoiling her with whatever she desired, and allowing her to do clubs and enter shows to perfect it. My little brother got a guitar before he was even 7. He was given every oppertunity to do something with his talent. I look back and get a bit pissed seeing that they both threw it all away. I wonder what would have happened if my other sister and I had gotten that backing.
I was pushed into art/drawing because I might be another "nellie" even though I knew I could not be. I wanted to perform since I was 3. I loved it. I was never encouraged, no clubs no chance to expand.
I remember when I was 16 or so.There was a school for performing arts and at a really good price.. I was so excited. I mentioned it to my mom. I could tell she did not believe in me. So I was thrilled when we stopped there one night. I was so foolish....the thing I thought she was going todoforme turned out to be for my brother.She had found out that they had a music prodigy program...she was checking it out for him. I wanted to cry and disapear but if I showed any sign of weakness it would make it worse.
None of us kids talk to each other now that we are grown.We all have our own personal anger toward our past, and being pitted against each other.We did it to survive. As I once wrote before it was like a jungle. To survive we could not think about how the other would feel, we were just buying a extra second of peace for ourselves.We all grew up to be very different people. You would not even know we were related if not told so. Our personalities clash so much,it is for the best that we live our lives as only children.
My oldest sister was prepped to become a art teacher but threw it away to do tattoos. My mother even had to make a deal with the principal to get her to graduate. She was a bad student who cared more about getting high and cutting class. She expected everything to be handed to her,after all she had always had it that way. I like to call her a poor man's princess.We barely could get by but she always seemed to get everything she wanted. She still throws it in my face that she has a high school diploma and I have a ged. She did not even earn it! At least I earned mine...but we do not see eye to eye. She thinks she had it hard growing up. PLEASE!
I can not stand her.
My forgotten sister struggled through some real shit. Although we do not see eye to eye (we have very different outlooks on things) I understand any grudge she may hold to a point,after all she was attacked alot for no reason.She became a cop,good for her.
My little brother also like my eldest sister thinks he got a raw deal.That child was pampered and got everything even if it ment no food in the house. I lost my apartment trying to help pay for expenses and debts he caused. He was allowed to beat me for 17 years without any consequences. He lived a charmed life! To this day "mr. Music"still expects everyone to give him whatever he wants. He turns my stomach. He feels (no joke he told me this totally serious ) that the world owes him and every cent is his. He calls me constantly and yells at me for cash. I could not send him any if I wanted to.Why does he not use all that talent? The kid thinks he is to good to have a job. He refuses to work.He also dropped out of school to run off with his secret girlfriend....12 years his senior whom he had been dating since he was 11! Can we say mary kay letourneau ?
And then there is me. I have no wonderful position in life. I worked my ass off at jobs people turn their nose up to. I never got any help for my emotional and mental differences growing up so a nervous breakdown was a long time coming.I am on disability, see a shrink every week and I'm on meds (which I get so overwhelmed be family drama I sometimes can not recall if I have taken).

This all brings me back to the origional reason for this post.Would my existance matter? Would it really impact the world of my demis? What is the point and am I leaving a mark...something to be remembered by an impact on life?
The movie I was talking about was  "about schmidt".
Most known for a awful Kathy Bates hot tub scene.The true point behind the movie is much over looked. I mean its not my favorite but the end of the movie really sums up my current state of mind. here  is the clip.starting at 1:26 is the letter (or speech of my life)

http://youtu.be/W-zEwGZ56Bs

Up until the moment when he sees that painting it feels like he is me and I am him. I just wish I could have a moment like that...the moment that you know for sure you mattered, that you changed or helped someone's life for the better. My moment of being the person in the painting that the painter was greateful for...that my life mattered.Will I have a Ndugu moment or just waste away. Remembered as nothing because my existance was a blink of a the eye and given as much thought as one.

It's 3:57 am...

What was I saying????

Anyone else besides me think it seems wayyyyyyyyyyy to convenient that right when Obama's approval ratings are at a record low and all this re- election shit is going on....we just happen to cap bin Laden? Twitter wont let me post anything I just said,they keep telling me their is a problem.I can post other stuff.Soooo are we doing martial law yet or what?

I smell a rat.

Speaking of diseased and discusting mammals,on a personal topic.....
That evil bitch my former pal is with and he are on vacay together.I know it sounds creepy but I had the feeling on Saturday like a emptiness.I can feel when he is not in the county or the country for that matter.He seems like the sort of dude who relies on the "if I can not see it or touch it it is not real" frame of mind.That is the 1 thing that pisses me off about him.I am very much opposite.I seek more then I see.I am guided and live by feelings and pulls in emotional and spiritual things.He thinks ghosts are not real, I have had REAL experiences on that topic so I know for myself the reality.If I ever told him he would not believe it.Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr he can be such a ass!

but I still love him.
It is true though.Alot of people are just lying about stuff like that.It makes the people with real experiences look like liars to.
I guess you really have to have a personal experience to know for true that no one is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.
The paranormal helps me believe in hope and love.To be able to gain a attachment to someone where you are open enough to feel their pain and love their soul not their actions.It goes beyond the idea of empathy and more in to the relm of actual spirit connection.I believe that we keep coming back until God feels we have gathered all of the experience and point of life.Until we are learn to not only trust him but have experienced things only certain things in multiple lifes can teach us.To get all the fullness,good and bad.After all,what we may see as humans as bad,God does not always agree.His reasons,thoughts and judgement are beyond all ability that the mind can comprehend.
I think our immediate circle of people in life have always been there.I believe that they can get closer to us as we re live life.Someone who was once your neighbor can end up a friend,a cousin,a sibling a parent,and end up a spouse.It goes the other way to.Someone who started out as close can eventually be weened out of your lives,getting further away.The way you know you are getting closer is that spiritual connection.Also the fact that you can just meet but feel as though you have known the person always.I think I am getting closer to him,I just hope I dont have to come around again to get to be with him.It would suck to be like 1 life away from it.I dont have all the answers.I have a unusual type of blended faith.I believe things we as a culture see as wicked (like tarot reading,ghosts,psychics) if approach and practiced in the right spirit (frame of mind body and soul with no wicked feelings behind it,asking for God's guidance) is one of the many spirits of God that makes him a whole.The bible teaches us that God is many spirits (he is a God of war,love etc.)
I call my beliefs being a christian spiritualist.I have the christianity of a born again christian,some wiccan beliefs and some Native American beliefs all wrapped into one.I have explored many religions and even atheistic beliefs,searching for the right one for me.The three I have listed have the most impact for me personally.I do not judge others as wrong or right even If I feel they are.I am not created to judge others,only God can judge us and I don't want to piss him off.:)

We judge ourselves enough.I dont want5 to make enemies,I just want to live my life to his approval and to love and respect him always.Jesus is my Lord and Savior but some christians only focus on the love part of God.This is were we ask why he allows bad things to happen.We need to study ALL of God.I suggest the war part because in war we do things that we would not always do in life if we were not put up against the wall.Okay I have soooo gotten off topic.

I just wanted to express some stuff bottled up inside.To any readers,I want it to be known I DO NOT PUSH MY WAYS UPON YOU, TELLING U BELIEVE LIKE ME OR YOU ARE WRONG.

People who see my book collection are so confussed.I have Christian books,tarot  and wiccan books,Supernatural study books, and just about anything about astrology you are curious of.

I am gonna go walk my poochie.

I will leave you with this: live life knowing their is more,and that you are more.

blog ya later!

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You've Got A Friend - Carole King

just feeling a little like I wish my former buddy was around again,and wishing we could be friends still...I will wait for him After all he will always have my heart...

Yikes !!! time is running out!!!

Hey y'all.It has been sometime since posting but I have had massive stress on my plate.I have to be in a new apartment by june first and finding one seems impossible.It is either to pricey (the reason I need to move in the first place) does not allow pets or has a waiting list that spans up to 6 freakin months!!!

So terrified,and can not get ahold of anyone that is supposed to help me.
My old case manager would have had me ready by now,because we were solid when it came to things that made me freak out.It really is not the new case managers fault it is the housing people.They are supposed to help me and do not even answer my calls.Times like this I wish I could just hear the calming reasonable voice of my fareweather friend.He was a peach when it came to my emotional hurdles.I better continue my search,I am soooooooooooooooo hyperventalating!

Reflection

Hey y'all.Not much to update on.Still stressing about finding a apartment.
My heart is still raw and I'm feeling numb.

I miss my friend.
I have accepted that I may never be happy.That I may just be unlovable.
It hurts so bad that it sorta blends into each crevis of my life,becoming a infinate blur a constant soupy fog of normality.The love and the pain have become a part of me like a new layer of flesh.
Trippy!
Even the everyday things I have to deal with do not distract me from my true core of existance.
My foundation for the life house is cracked.
He will always be my heart,and I can not seem to shake him.I guess this old "gorilla" just can't catch a break.
I was born to a life of failure,rejection,pain,and to love without limits but never be loved in return.

Better go,Got some cleaning to attend to.Hopefully the next post will not be such a downer.Blog ya later.xoxo

no matter what I do I am haunted by my love for him

Okay lots of stuff has been going on so I have not had time to post.Yesterday (march 9th 2011) I went up to Albany to a Rally for Mental health.I was invited by the MHA peer bridger to speak with the assemblymen and senetor people on behalf of funding Mental Health stuff.I got up super early,got a cab to MHA and boarded the bus at around 7 am.I get super barfy on buses,that is why I have not been on one for years....I do not think I will go on one anytime soon either.It took all day today to recoup from it.Anyway,I sort of half heartedly expected my friend to be there....the one that I have discussed so much it's sort of like he is the air I breathe.I did not see him get on the bus...I was in the wayyyyyyyyyy back.Then as we were driving (OMG the bus was freakin' packed!) we were signing a paper so none of us were left behind when I saw in the most perfect handwriting (I have known him to be pretty sloppy when writing) his name.I scanned to see if that she-beast was on the list...nope no she-beast.I felt so totally like I was backin high school a boy I liked would not notice me sort of thing.Then I came down from that kid like feeling.
Why would she not come?If anything you think she would show up to support her man's cause,I would.
It just proves my point of her not not being real.Dude,it's your job to speak for those who cant....and you use it as a day off?
Bitch.
I saw him signing in when we were going to that orientation.I made sure to say hi.I didn't want him to know that not seeing him for over a month was killing me inside.That seeing him calmed my nerves.That barfy feeling went away.I tryed to act cool,but I know I was so happy tosee himI came off well....off.He bwas all dressed up,looking like a little lawyer.I noticed he was hanging around a certain person alot...funny she was my case manager like 5 or 6 years ago! If they did not have significant others I would say they were together...I could feel his attraction to her.It was kinda creepy that I could but I saw it.I was on line to sign up for meeting with the assembly dude when I smelled a farmiliar smell.The sweet clean scent that had been my comfort for a year.I turned to see him next to me.He was also signing up.Just having him stand next to me was a total feeling of like when you had been holding your breathe for a long time and then just let it out.

I wished he would sit near me or talk to me while we were marching or even at the rally.People were standing up and saying why mental health mattered to them.I saw no one who I was on the bus with saying anything...I felt like I had to.I had all the words perfect in my head...but they came out like a foreign language when I actually spoke.Before I spoke I kept glancing across the way at him.It felt like he wanted to be as far from me as possible.He was hanging with some tall dude wearing sunglasses,very official looking.I noticed he did not seem to even look at me....I must have not noticed but he saw me.He said later that he saw me inching or creeping closer to the mic.He was looking at me!!!!!
As I was speaking I looked out and saw him.He had a weird look on his face,I never saw it before.It was discust and confusion like...but apparently I did not and may not ever know what it was exactly.When he got on the bus he had to pass me...my head was saying sit next to me! I wanted to turn around and ask him to come sit in the seat across from me...but I was to chicken.He made sure to tell me I did a good job and he was proud of me.It felt forced...but it could be because I was looking at him differently.I still care about him so deeply and love him so much....but was seeing him as someone who would be drifting out of my life yet again and not knowing how long it would be before if ever I got to see him.I made sure to fidget with my phone when I got off the bus...just to catch him coming off.I asked if I could talk to him for a min.He was probrobly dreding that.I told him I missed him,and that we should catch up or something.I poked a bit of fun at his clothes to lighten the tension.I actually thought he looked very handsome...but don't tell him I thought so.
Then I watched him walk away....again.
It felt like this would be what a personal hell would be like for me.Watching the man I loved and would give anything to be with walk away fromme over and over.Feeling the distance between us growing as my heart was breaking.
On a up side,the rally was cooland the people were super nice.

I hope he sees what a untolerable self loving bitchy whore that chick is......For about 5 months I have been having awful dreams.They are just like the ones when Iknew before bit happened who he was dating,gwetting engaged to and leaving me to go for a different job.I have been dreaming that that bitch is pregnant.It happens before any marriage happens....I hope it is just my own paranoia.
It disgusts me to think of him with her let qalone anything else.I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT.maybe if Iam thin he will thinktwice and realize that no one could ever love him as mucfh as I doand always will.A big staement nbut I know that if neede I would give up my life for him...I would go to the ends of the earth for him...I dont think thatbitch feels as deeply for himas I do.She was not even backing himon this trip!
It gets me so angry.He desrves to be loved and shown that love and support always....God I loathe her!
I guess it was best she did not come.I would not have been able to not rip her fucking face off and shove it up her ass!

Okay time to chil out.Gonna make some tea and watch a new Archer....Blog ya later.