Story of Clyde





 I have been missing my little dog Clyde a lot lately.Yes, I have my sweet Benny now but I feel like Things were unfinished with Clyde.I remember having to leave him with my parents because I was homeless.My sister let me sleep on her couch and would not allow dogs.I could not stay at my parents house because my brother would beat me and fights would arise.My family had always tried to seperate me from my dog.I worked very hard and many hours to get him.He was ill and almost died the first night I had him.I think that is why we had such a strong bond.I stayed up through the night caring for him.I had someone who made me feel loved.He loved me back and always knew when I needed him,even before I knew.After about 3 years of having him I had a complete nervous,and emotional breakdown.I was unable to work and had to leave my job.I was also unable to pay my rent and was forced to take the last of my money and by a plane ticket.I went to stay with my eldest sister down in Florida.Because Clyde was a purebred my parents and brother told me to sell him.If I did that would not be enough money to live,And he was my only companion.I never felt any bond with my family,and my brother was angry that Clyde made me happy.He always tryed to hurt him I would cover his tiny body with my own to stop the blows.Sometimes when my brother was beating me Clyde would try to protect me putting his body in front of me.I hated being afraid of what might happen each second.They lived in the same apartment complex as us so I could not get away from that brat of a brother..I had my Clyde the clothes on my back and a small gym type bag with the only things I could take.I left a lot of important things behind but I was happy to have my little friend with me.Florida turned out to be a bad idea.I ended up getting a slummy apartment where I could hear the neighbors beating each other and drug dealing outside my bedroom window.I could hear them leaning next to the window glass,I even heard some shots outside my window.After my breakdown I was all nerves and everything was freaking me out.The police would not come when called,they said that it was normal for the area.They never once checked up on it.All of my disability was paying my rent and electric.I barely had 60 dollars to spred through the month to feed Clyde and myself.I went hungry sometimes for weeks and would go up to the gas mart up the street with what little I had and buy things like spam and vienna sausages just to feed my dog.On the way back I would stop at the subway and use there bathroom to get us tolit paper.That is how I lived for 6 months.





  During this time my mother would call me and tell me about all the wonderful things in ny that she could help me get set up with(mental health services,housing,etc.) After a time It sounded really good.She said I could stay with a friend of the family for the couple of months while it all happened.I knew what I was living was no life.I did not pay my last months rent and insted used it to by a ticket to ny.I really thought things would be better.My sister had been threatining to put me in a institution and have Clyde taken from me.She did not like that I was not at her beck and call for babysitting her 2 rowdy kids.I struck up a friendship of convenience with a woman around the area and got a ride to the airport.When I  finally arrived in ny after flight issues my mom informed me she had never asked the friend to have me stay.I had no where to sleep that night.I eventually ended up going back and forth between sleeping on my parents concrete floor with no more then a flat old pillow and a throw blanket,and sleeping on my sisters couch.To make a long story short I was homeless for 2-3 years.Yes I would have a roof over my head but that was it.All of my disability would go for food and paying my sister to sleep on her couch.I would talk to Clyde in those last days of being with him,promising we would get a place and have a fresh start.I never knew he would not be there when I did.I remember the first night in my apartment.It was supposed to be him and me together,I failed him.

Then I met Benny..... (to be continued)

 

 









VALENTINE"S DAY.....HOW I HATE THEE!!!

I will admit,yeah I'm a slacker when it comes to posting lately.It's just that nothing aside from the normal shit has been happining.I mean everything is still dull.Sucky weather,broken heart,parents making me stressed,money is way beyond tight and prepping for my move.All topics I think I covered already.

Tommorow being Valentines day does not help.The guy I wanted to be my Valentine for every day is still not.It makes me angry,because I really thought this year would be the year I would get to celebrate and not cele-hate Vday.

Another year and still a bitter old hag.I've heard of low points in peoples love life but damn! When the hell will my scale tip from sucky to un-sucky?

It rips my heart out knowing he will be spending this day with that critter.It kills me everytime I think about him with her.I wonder if he would care if he knew that each second I die a little more as she gets a second of life from me.

Crazy,right? I have always been a pretty emotional person.Then to stop feeling everyone elses pain I somehow shut myself down.Now I am emotionally vulnerable again,and wish being human did not hurt so much.

Nothing but the finest s**t on the menu,at the cafe' of life....

A few days have passed and I am still in this funk.
I miss my friend.

I have a lot on my plate at the moment and wish he was not one of the items.I am looking for a cheaper apartment but it has to allow small dogs. (well to be honest even though Benny is a small breed he is a pudge muffin ).My lease will be up soon so I am freaking.I am supposed to have help so I dont freak so much but this case manager I've been thrown to does not seem very professional.I also have been forgetting to take my meds,I can not remember how many days it has been.I am dealing with being the go between person still for my parents...can you say TOTALLY NOT MY PLACE ?!
I can always count on my family for added stress.I have a certain amount of time to get a ID so I can cash and return some money to case management for a class I was supposed to take but it got cancelled,the weather sucks,I'm short on money (again) this month and dont want to have to go through the whole not eating for 2 weeks again thing,More parent stress with my mom calling me up to 5x a day for advice and just about anything,I have a dude who is trying to get ahold of me that I am not attracted to who just wants sex,another on facebook who wants to "spend time" with me and leaves me little messages each day,and all I can think about is my friend.Yep, that was a crazy ass run on sentence.
I am not attracted to the dudes who like me.My biological clock is ticking and things are starting to not be as...um I guess you could say placed as they once were.All in all I feel OLD,like my time has passed by.I am still waiting for my first kiss (the 3x I was kissed was forced and NOT consentual ).
It made me feel dirty,and I will always feel it was my fault.Any physical contact was not approved,I just thank god it did not get to far.
Lets leave this topic,it turns my stomach.
Anyway,the only man I have eyes for is my friend.I have no way to contact him and as I have mentioned he is engaged to some chick who I think is a bitch,and a fake.

When I met him all the lights turned on,ya know.I knew I wanted him to be the man I shared everything with,and maybe someday would have a family and life with.

It may never happen,but I know he is the only one I want to share all of my firsts with.Yes I'm 30 but I am uptight lol.I take waiting for the right person VERY serious and will not just jump in to bed with anyone. Dear god though,I am a woman and I do have urges...This sucks SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad !!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

On the up side I've started to lose weight....maybe that will change his mind if I'm not a fat pig.

I just hope he does not marry her,please God don't let my heart be anymore crushed then it is.I have had a life of fear,depression and heartache.Now that I am in love.......I dont know what else to do but pray.....

Analyzing myself

It's been a few days since I last posted.They weather still has me in a funk,and I'm trying to cope with the pain of losing a special friend.

It sounds like a death doesn't it ? Well to me it feels like one.I have to find a way (with all of my researching, and persistance) to keep him in my life some how.I never met anyone so damn amazing. No kidding ,I actually enjoy being around him,I don't want him to ever leave.
It's weird for me, I don't like to be around anybody.I see entertaing company to feel like a chore I could happily do without.A small meaningless conversation,a hello or nod of the head is good for me.Thats all the human contact I need.....but then there is "Al". He breaks the walls down of my perfectly made house of seclusion.I feel like something is missing when he is not around.When he is I smile...not the fake smile I give to people I pass through the day  a REAL smile.He is the only man or person in general I want in my life.
I feel happy I waited for the perfect man when I see him.
Then comes the burn of him being with that bitch.
Hope seems to fade,dreams crash to the floor like glass.The curtains that once let in the light I desire are pulled closed.
He is everything I ever wanted and needed before I ever knew I did.
I was living my life in search of the feeling only he gives me.I am in love.
Why does love hurt so much?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WISogScYNXA

Why should I conform !!!????

The weather here in New York is massively sucking !

Slushie roads and damp cold air pierces your lungs when you walk out in it.I woke up today all barfy and stuffy.I am a little sick but okay.My head is spinningfrom trying to put everything I need to in order in my life.I have the added stress of my love,the man I know is my soulmate leaving.I can not seem to let it go.I try to go totally against my feelings and try to blow it all off.No luck.
It's like holding your breath.It is uncomfortable to go against the natural instinct of breathing.You think you can beat,but it starts to affect you in ways you can not control.As you continue to fight the actual need to breathe you notice your chest struggle to find any form of air to grasp to.Your face turns red your cheeks get puffy as you fight your mouth trying to open.You get woozy and are unable to stand finally you can no longer fight it and your body wins when you gasp for air before collapsing.The result of not letting yourself finally get air would be blacking out,brain hemeraging from lack of oxygen and eventual death.
So for me to emotionally hold my breath does me no good.
Trying to reason with my heart about the fact of it's love having no apparent logic and no boundaries it futile.
If I could press a button and poof it away I could tell you I would,but I might be lying.I love the new life feeling that it birthed inside me.The only problem is the pain of it not returned.I chalked it up to the following.
It is crazy to think someone would allow another person to dictate there life.So the whole not ethical argument over even having a friendship is either a load of snot or he is unable to break free from what others tell him to do.Things are engrained in him that are ultimately crippling,making him feel he has to be a good boy or he gets in trouble.I have lived in doubt and fear most of my life.Struggling and craving praise and acceptance.I know now that that was not a life.I allowed myself to be a puppet of others to avoid the truth that if someone does not approve I might need to stand up and have a backbone. Confrontation is a enemy I have bowed down for to keep at bay.Only the past few months have I been able to begin to rise up and face it.

It has to be because I am ugly,fat and unpredictable.I am trying to get rid of the fat thing.I am slowly inching to my goal.My actual goal is to lose a good 80 to 90 lbs.It is awfully hard.
The ugly thing is beyond my control.I try to lessen my frightningness with make up and grooming but can not do much more.
I have always been very predictable.Most likely do to fear of stepping out of the acceptable.When I turned 28 something in me was like "screw it ".
I may sound like a sailor at times,I may look at someone and out of no where say something crazy.I like to play,and serious people are kinda dull to me.When I see a promising person,rolled up in rules but their core is screaming out that they are fun and goofy...I want to bring it out.I will do just about anything to make them laugh...I don't think outside the box...I am so out there I don't even no where or what the hell the box is !
And I like it.
See...I totally went against the rule of starting a sentence with "and".LOL.
All this wackiness is who I really am.If I did not ever open my heart I would still be looking for myself.If nothing else I owe my thanks and just about anything else to him. Now if I could just crack that uptight exterior he has,I think we could be great friends...he totally needs me just as much as I needed him...just in a different way.He helped me find my free spirit now I want to help him lose that damn box!

You've Got A Friend In Me - lyrics

...Always remember
-love ,your friend always

walking through the muddy waters....

Today I sit at my computer thinking about the high hopes I had for 2011.The one most important thing that I hoped for was pulled out from under me on both the 13th and 14th of this month.This was my year for getting the man I loved to care for me in the same way.Two weeks into the year and it is already down the crapper.
The 14th was actually the worst of the 2 horrid days.Watching him walk away,the distance of us growing bigger each second was like someone sliced open my stomach and my guts spilled out.I need to have him in my life,he makes it so much better.
I liked the way I felt inside knowing he was there.I am actually going through a withdrawl.
It may be unethical to be my friend....but ethics are so overrated.
If you live all uptight with restrictions and titles you never really live.You can miss out on something or someone who makes you enjoy life or feel different in a good way.You could miss out on the person you may need later on,someone who can understand you.I may be the person he needs in the future to help him straighten out a situation or the one with the advice he needs.
I am disgarded,abandoned like a piece of trash or left on the side of the road like a cat that is no longer wanted.
Where I lived most of my life,grew up and walked on the very ground of is where he is going to work.Even if he throws me out of his life,I will be all around him,having previously stepped where he surely will and smell and hear the same things he will.To walk in the buildings at one time my child and teenage self ran my fingers across the walls in boredom.I will in essense be the heaviness in the air he will breathe.
I find it ironic how this played out.
I will finish todays post by stating this....
Just because I will be a former client does not logically give an excuse to throw away my friendship...I am a former fetus,does that mean I still live in my mother's belly? It may be my beginning but does not shape who I am ultimately.I am a former sperm/egg combo but I am a 30 year old woman now....will that be held against me.We may battle logic and wits but what it all boils down to is simple. I am a human and you are a human no matter what others may call us...will you take the step and stop getting in your own way of something that could be important later on?
My friend ,you are your own worst enemy when you let others dictate how you live or who you should befriend.I will always be there for you even if years and life seperate us.I may have been a client but I have something that you so desperately need.....the way to see people for what they are and not by what they do.My eyes see a person not a job.We meet the way God ordains it whether you find the way someone meets another distasteful or unsavory does not matter.It is the available door to bring 2 people together when they need to meet. I was not the only one who was supposed to beniefit from our paths crossing.Destiny works both ways. You needed to meet me for some reason...only you can figure out why.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tY_ntpuEhk